Am I the only mom who cannot wait for my kids to start driving? I understand that putting a young and inexperienced person, who is still mostly an idiot, in control of many thousands of pounds of steel, in the form of a killing machine, should not be something for which I hope. But it really is a lot of work to get them places.
Mostly because they are completely incapable of making any kind of actual plans. I never thought I’d rue the day I stopped coordinating their play dates. But at least then I knew what time we were starting and ending, who was bringing the food and if the other child was really a good fit with mine.
Now, not only do I have to occasionally take my babies to unfamiliar homes and trust that the parents aren’t serial killers, I am sometimes responsible for kids who, I’m pretty sure, are plotting world domination. With actual plans. And charts.
And yet, ask them what time they’re supposed to be home and you might as well have asked them to solve world hunger.
“Are you staying for dinner?”
Nothing.
“Are you sleeping over?”
Nervous blinking.
“Do your parents even know you’ve left the house?”
Looks to my child for help.
“Do you plan to move in?”
Slight choking noise.
Well, I’ve got a spare bed so I guess we’ll cross that road when we come to it.
I’m a planner, so spontaneity actually hurts me. Even saying the word makes me cringe like the dog just farted and I’m only starting to smell it. It seeps in slowly but I know it’s only the beginning and it’s going to linger.
Waiting for an answer from a hapless teen is not very different. You never know when it’s going to come and how bad it will be. I’ve brought my child to friend’s homes and received outlandish responses to some of the standard questions:
1. Are his/her parents home? When the answer starts with “ummm,” I know it will fall in the “bad” category. When it ends with, “no but I think his/her older brother is,” it falls squarely into the, “hell no, get back in the car,” category.
2. What time do I need to pick you up? The best possible answer is “tomorrow,” or, “his/her parents will drive me home on their way to church.” (I like to think most church-goers are less likely to be serial killers).
The worst possible answer is another question: “How late can I stay?”
Because really, they’re good kids and rarely ask to stay out late. What I want to say is, “How much is a cab from here?” But what I usually say is, “Text me when you’re ready.” And then I die a little inside. Because not only do I have to manage to stay awake past sunset, I can’t start drinking.
If they are sleeping over, I can start drinking immediately (well, once I get home) but there are more questions.
3. Did you pack a toothbrush? I know it will go unused but I feel like a failure as a mother if they don’t at least pack one. What if the whole household goes missing and during the ensuing investigation I have to tell the police, “No officer, no one stole her toothbrush, I just didn’t bother having her bring it.” You know that cop would judge me.
There have been times when the only thing packed in the bag was an iPhone charger and socks. Other times, the luggage rivals that of a trans-Atlantic voyage and yet I get a 6:13 a.m. text that reads, “I don’t have any pants.”
“Didn’t you leave here in pants?”
“Oh. I think so. But now I don’t know where they are.”
This is an exchange that no parent wants to have with a child. Ever. For many, many reasons. The least of which is that those were my favorite pants. Do you know how hard it is to find clothing which you and your teen have both approved?
4. Will you please sleep, at least for a few hours? This elicits a strong reaction that is part anger and part pity – like I’m both a cruel she-devil bent on destroying everything that brings them joy and a pathetic old lady who never experienced the thrill of sneaking cookies out of the pantry at 3 a.m. – and completely patronizing, “Yeah mom, I’ll be sure to work on that.”
Well let’s see how snarky my child is feeling the next day when I tell him/her that I adopted a kid who actually wants to be with me and the new, better child is now living in his/her room.
Oh — and the new child wanted the repaint the bedroom (too many memories in there). So while we giggled together and watched HGTV (this one understands how important a functional kitchen is to my happiness), we found this great recipe for an eco-friendly, homemade paint from Mother Earth News.
Casein Paint with Lime
Yields about 1 quart
1 gallon nonfat milk
2 1/2 ounces “Type S” lime (dry powder available at hardware stores)
2 1/2 cups water
Natural earth pigment (more or less depending on desired color)
6 cups filler (usually whiting)
Leave milk in a warm place for a few days to curdle. Then pour through a colander lined with cheesecloth. You should have about 2 cups of curds. The whey can be composted.
Mix curds and lime powder in a blender. Add a little water if the mixture isn’t blending well. Strain to remove any lumps.
Add water to the binder immediately after it is prepared.
Dampen and crush pigments. Add them to the mixture a little at a time until desired color intensity is achieved.
Stir in filler.
Casein Paint Adjustments
After mixing your paint, test it on a small area of your surface and let it dry completely. If it doesn’t spread easily, add some water. If it dusts, add more binder. If it’s too thin, add more filler. If the color isn’t rich enough, add more crushed pigment. Or crushed soul. Both will darken the room.
Laurie Nigro, a mother of two, is passionate about her family, her community, and natural living. Laurie resides in downtown Riverhead and is co-founder of the River and Roots Community Garden on West Main Street.
Write to Laurie:
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