Letting go of perfect

In the last year or so, my life has changed drastically. The changes have been good, for the most part, but they’re changes nonetheless and that requires an adjustment period. I keep thinking I’ve adjusted, and then I find myself ironing clothes while they’re on my body, and I have to acknowledge that I’m not quite through it yet.

In my past life, I was a full time homemaker/mom, homeschooler and volunteer. I spent my days nursing babies and helping other mom who were struggling with nursing their babies. I made everything from scratch. I created interesting projects for my kids and took them to super-cool events and classes. And then there were all the various animals: water, food, attention, vet care, and so on.

Somewhere in there, I helped co-found a community garden. Additionally, I took care of an overworked husband who often spent 18 hours away from home each day, so I was able to do all these things that were so very, very important to us.

And then we made a decision. Just one change. Though it was a fundamental change to the core of who we were, we thought that sending the kids to school would not alter our lives that much. I planned it out, examined what I thought were all the angles, and plunged ahead. After all, we were just going to give it a try. Only until Christmas. To see how it would go.

It was a little scary — OK, it was terrifying, but I dealt with the anxiety by making schedules and charts. That’s how I cope. Don’t judge.

I planned out each of my days without the kids. It was going to be amazing. I was going to work out everyday. Twice. There would be running. I would take the dogs! Afterward, I would train them. Who knows, maybe they were frustrated search-and-rescue dogs. I was going to clean the house every morning. The windows would be clear of dog slobber. And you wouldn’t be able to use your finger to make smiley faces in the dust on my family photos anymore. I was going to have all my chores wrapped up while the kids were in school so I could give them every single ounce of my attention when they arrived home. I was even going to dedicate myself to becoming a gardener. OK, I was never going to do that, but I think it would made my husband and best friend proud, so I put it on the list. In short, my dogs, my house and I were going to be freaking fabulous.

To all of you who are already laughing and mocking me, remember, I was a woman with a dream. By the end of October, it was clear that I was a woman with a broken dream. My dog was eating every damn thing in sight, I had yet to find my dusting spray, perfectly good food was rotting on the vine and I had gained five pounds. I was in a downward spiral.

So it was a perfect time to get a job. “It’s just part-time,” I thought. “It’s time I start to contribute,” I reasoned. “It’ll be good for me to get out.” I was clearly delusional.

I believe it was May when I finally realized that I had just been treading water. I hadn’t seen my friends in months. I wasn’t sure if what I was putting on the table each night could actually be classified as food. My free weights had developed a thick layer of dust. It was not pretty.

I’m not sure why I thought I could continue to do all the things I had always done, in the same way I had always done them. I would look at my lists longingly and wonder where it all went wrong. I spent the summer thinking it over, and made a few changes. One of those changes was my expectations.

For instance, home -ooked meals were still possible, but Sundays would have to be used for food preparation. Walking the dogs would have to fit in whenever it could and sometimes it would have to be running the dogs, so exercising could also find a place. And the house cleaning would probably not be done in one felt swoop, but instead in little bursts. I wipe down the bathroom while brushing my teeth and clean the shower while I’m in it. I also discovered something magical; the small people in my house are, in fact, capable of contributing to their own care and upkeep. It was a startling revelation, for them.

I often compare my eldest to a newborn bird. Have you ever seen one of those nature programs where the hatchling is screaming loudly, mouth open, waiting for the momma bird to feed him? Then you understand my situation. The child would rather starve then put forth any effort toward his own survival.

The smaller child is the exact opposite. I liken this one to the Tazmanian Devil. She is ready and willing to help with nearly anything, but you WILL be sorry when she’s done. Either something will be broken and she will cry, it will be dirtier then it started out and she will cry and/or there will be dramatic declaration about how difficult the chore is and how unreasonable I am to expect a delicate creature such as herself to complete it, and she will cry. It’s no wonder I spent years doing these things by myself.

But again, adjustments take time. I decided that instinct and hunger will eventually supersede laziness and the boy will eat something. It has been working and in time, maybe that something will include foods other then nachos.

And the devil child, well, she’s quite a work in progress. I spend half of my time in her wake, pointing out the casualties she has created. Apparently, her field of vision does not contain any area below her eye level. The floor is under an invisibility cloak.

But, as I stood in my dining room the other morning, running late for work, holding an iron on its lowest setting, running in over the dress that was on my body (partly caused by the running late thing and partly caused by the I-don’t-own-an-ironing-board thing), I realized that perhaps I shouldn’t judge. Maybe we’re all a work in progress.

Something that has been helpful as I lowered my expectations has been quick meals. We’ve come to rely quite heavily on skillet dinners. They are a great way to get in tons of vegetables while also using less meat. Our favorite is stir-fry. Some of the ingredients are not going to be common items in your house, but once you get them, you’ll want to keep them around. Asian inspired meals are perfect choices for those busy days. This is my modified version of a food.com recipe.

Stir Fry

Ingredients

3 tablespoons arrowroot powder, divided
1/2 cup water, plus
2 tablespoons water, divided
1/2 teaspoon garlic powder
1 lb of meat, anything you have will work, just cut it into bite-size chunks or strips
2 tablespoons sunflower or olive oil, divided
4 cups broccoli florets, or any other vegetable you’d like
1 small onion, cut into wedges
1/3 cup reduced sodium soy sauce
1 tablespoon brown sugar
1 tablespoon ground ginger
hot cooked rice

Directions
In a bowl, combine 2 tablespoons arrowroot powder, 2 tablespoons water and garlic powder until smooth. Add meat and toss. In a large skillet or wok over medium high heat, stir-fry meat in 1 tablespoon oil until meat reaches desired doneness; remove and keep warm. Stir-fry broccoli and onion in remaining oil for 4-5 minutes. Return meat to pan. Combine soy sauce, brown sugar, ginger and remaining arrowroot and water until smooth; add to the pan. Cook and stir for 2 minutes. Serve over rice.

I usually double the vegetables and the sauce, but it’s delicious either way.

Any suggestions for a woman who’s in work in progress? Send them my way at laurie@riverheadlocal.com.