There’s always that one guy, that guy who fills your head with grandiose ideas, gets you believing in impossible dreams, then leaves you holding the bag when it ultimately turns into an ever-loving disaster. Turns out, I married that guy.
First, let me start by saying that people with poor impulse control should not be allowed to have purchasing powers. Particularly when they are pie-in-the-sky gardeners and the medium is seed catalogs. The situation reaches catastrophic levels when coupled with a garden magazine that sings the virtues of any particular plant. In my husband’s case, I don’t even stand a chance if the item is odd, rare or, God forbid, heritage.
Let me share with you something I’ve learned over the years: if something is no longer grown, nearly extinct (because no one chooses to plant it) or an “ancient staple that fell out of favor,” it’s probably because it sucks. A lot. That’s why no one is growing it. It’s a waste of time, energy and cash. End of story.
Unfortunately, my husband does not appreciate my wisdom on this issue. Granted, when I first read about ground cherries, I was intrigued and excited. They author described them in such a way that I could not imagine how we had lived so long without trying one. I heartily participated in the decision to make them a part of our garden. A few years have gone by now and we can’t get rid of them. It turns out that you only need one little seed and you will have ground cherries forever. Everywhere. But for whatever reason, no one ever really wants to harvest them and so each of the abandoned little guys reaps several more plants the next year.
I started to get suspicious of these rare plants and moved with great trepidation towards Jerusalem artichokes. No, not that artichoke. A Jerusalem artichoke in no way at all resembles the vegetable that you are picturing. This one is a root vegetable about the size of two thumbs, side by side, and it sort of resembles a shrunken human head; complete with the disturbing and freakish vibe.
But, when Mother Earth News sang the praises of this ancient root and compared it to a potato, I softened up a little. Then, the article said that Jerusalem artichokes are low-to-no-maintenance perennials. I’m all about low-to-no-maintenance, it appeals to my lazy nature, and plants that return every year appeal to my frugal nature. And the story goes that the above ground portion of the plant produces a sunflower-like plant. It sounded practically perfect.
Until two years later, when it’s an hour before your kids spring concert and you’re elbow deep in a raspberry bramble, pulling tons of five-foot-tall Jerusalem artichokes from the front fence line of the community garden, because they are low maintenance and perennial, which is code for “it’s a freaking invasive weed.”
My arms were covered in tiny scratches from the raspberry thorns and the fuzzy stalks of the artichoke plant felt like microscopic fiberglass slivers in my fingers. And conveniently, the work party that brought me down to the garden on that muggy, hot afternoon, had been scheduled for a day when my husband had a prior commitment.
After I pulled all the ones I could see amidst the bramble, I was dirty, sweaty and a little rank. I raced home to get my kids to the concert, because they had to be there an hour early. As we drove to the school, I explained that I would drop them off and then head home for a quick shower.
“Or,” I joked, “I could just come like this, hahaha.”
Without taking a breath, my daughter replied, “I’d rather be hit by a bus.”
“Let me get this straight, you would rather die a sudden, painful and tragic death then have me encourage you from afar, in less then stellar condition?”
“Well, the bus might not kill me.”
The teen years are going to be a hoot.
When someone who gets paid to write about gardening tells you a plant is the best thing since sliced bread, but can’t actually show you another person that is growing said plant, be wary. And if they additionally call it “heritage” or “rare,” run as fast as you can in the opposite direction, as if a zombie was trying to force ground cherries down your throat.
The moral of the story here is, don’t plant weird crap. Or you may find yourself weeding shrunken heads while your child wishes for death by vehicular manslaughter.
If you insist on learning things the hard way and end up with buckets full of funky tubers, you are, apparently, not alone. Jamie Oliver, celebrity chef, clearly doesn’t listen to me either.
From his website:
To serve 4, you will need 600g/1 lb 6oz of Jerusalem artichokes. Peel them, then cut them into chunks. Place them in an oiled frying pan and fry on a medium heat until golden on both sides, then add a few bay leaves, 2 cloves of garlic, finely sliced, a splash of white wine vinegar, some salt and pepper, and place a lid on top. After about 20 to 25 minutes they will have softened up nicely and you can remove the lid and add the bay leaves. Continue cooking for a couple of minutes to crisp the artichoke slices up one last time, then serve straight away. Personally, I think they go well with both meat and fish and are particularly good in a plate of antipasti, or in soups or warm salads.
Have you planted something that you regret? Share your tale of woe with me at laurie@riverheadlocal.com.
Laurie Nigro, a mother of two, is passionate about natural living. Laurie resides in downtown Riverhead and is co-founder of the River and Roots Community Garden on West Main Street. Contact her by email to laurie@riverheadlocal.com.
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