We should not be afraid to say no

Have you ever been over-stressed, overbooked and just too busy to take on anything else—then you do? Me too! Back in the day when I was a working mom, if I was asked to bake cupcakes, volunteer for a book sale, or do a myriad of things stay-at-home moms did, I said yes.

It was not until I realized that burning the candle from both ends was not doing me or my family any favors. Back then, a working mom was an anomaly; I was suffering from the working mom guilt syndrome—and it’s still going on. Societal expectations tell  us we should put ourselves on the back burner and always put our family first. 

Nowadays the word “no” is easy for me. However, it is easier said than done for many other folks. In fact, many find the word “no” the scariest word in the dictionary. It sometimes involves navigating one’s emotional makeup.

I would guess that anxiety is the motivating force behind the struggle. One may be afraid of disappointing others or damaging a relationship. Humans are not perfect, accepting ourselves with our flaws and quirks is freeing. When in a new relationship there is a process of getting to know one another. But wait! How can we know each other if we are afraid to speak our minds?

Many people are painfully afraid of conflict. They may say “yes” when they really mean “no.” These individuals may lack assertiveness or fear the loss of security. I worked at a woman’s center where smart women were emotionally or physically abused by their partners. Many stayed with an unfaithful or sadistic partner for financial security. 

If one has succumbed to becoming a people-pleaser, saying “no” is painfully complicated. People-pleasers have an inordinate need for approval. Ironically, the need to please others overrides their own needs. Healthy boundaries are nonexistent. Research has shown that people-pleasers hold trauma in their bodies. It can be tied to harsh parenting that negatively affects the child’s mental health well into adulthood.

Sometimes we can feel that we are missing out. For example, we may worry   that by declining an invitation we will miss the opportunity to be with the in-crowd. A little aside:  What is so great about the in-crowd? Do we want to lose our individuality?

We teach our kids or grandkids to be polite and agreeable, especially to authority figures. Often parental discipline that lacks empathy and compassion may foster a child who is timid and afraid to speak up. This kind of conditioning, when taken to the extreme, may have detrimental effects on the adult. 

I have known bully bosses — seriously ego-driven individuals. The director of the women’s center where I was employed as the administrator was one such person. She was truly the “boss from hell.”  Her unreasonable demands on me and my staff were making for a toxic work environment. The last straw was when she wanted me to fire a working mom for a minor infraction. I told her no. It was not the end of the world, nor the end of my job. 

We are taught not to be selfish, put others first and obey the golden rule. But there comes a time when rules need to be broken and, sometimes, there are no rules. Being unable to say no, is like worshiping at the altar of “they say, and I should.”

This begs the question:  Why should you? And who are they? An inability to say no can lead to patterns of low self-esteem, resentment and may contribute to more anxiety and depressive disorders. When we over give, we are vulnerable to burn out.

When we say no to someone because we genuinely do not want to do something or know it will be  difficult, we initially feel uncomfortable. But it also means we have time for something we really  want to do.

As I write this, I realize that when we are unable to say no, we are lying to that person. Eventually, they will notice our lack of enthusiasm. It may cause resentment and anger for both parties. 

And the biggie:  Being unable to say no, takes us one step away from who we really are and finding what we really want and need in life. Life is a short dream ride to eternity. Do we have time to worry about what we should do and what will they think? 

It’s possible that you may live life so carefully, trying to please everyone else that you may lose yourself. There would be no signs that “you,” the real “you,” ever lived at all.