Learning the futility of fear

As a child, I learned that money equals stress. Watching my mom balance the checkbook and pay the bills caused me a lot of anxiety. Seeing my Dad fly off the handle when he filed taxes or did the FAFSA for college told me that the government couldn’t be trusted with our money. In retrospect, my Dad was an amazing manager of money, and a wiz at the stock market. My mom, even at 87, manages her finances like an accountant. Despite their fine example of money management, I still learned that money is a cause of worry. However they also raised all eight of us in a strong faith environment where I learned that nothing was impossible for God.

When I was in college and in early marriage, my Dad helped bridge the gap between financial worries and trust in God. Frequently I would get a phone call that went something like this; “The Holy Spirit told me you needed something today. So I prayed for you and I am sending you a check to help with that bill.”

Dad gave life to the scripture, “Your Father knows what you need before you ask him” (Matthew 6:8). From his example I learned that I could trust God for financial provision. It didn’t always come from Dad’s checkbook, but oftentimes in creative ideas and opportunities to make more money, or a sale at the store that made it easier for me to provide for my family.

I remember the first time I felt the pain of debt, when I signed for my first student loan. I knew what I was doing and I knew the Lord would provide, even for the repayment of student loans. Years later, I joked with my husband that I didn’t realize that I would marry just after college and he would take over that loan! But in fact, a year into our marriage, a non-profit ministry within the Catholic Church took over both our student loans so that we continue to work in full-time ministry. This was another way I learned that I could trust God to provide for our needs.

At our wedding, we read from the Sermon on the Mount in Matthew 6:25-30. This scripture is an exhortation to put aside fear and trust God in the present, for the future. “Do not worry about your life…How can you, by worrying, add a moment to your lifespan?.. The Lord knows you need these things…Seek first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness and the rest will be given to you.”

The student loan provisions, discounted housing from those who supported our ministry and the generosity of many Catholics across Long Island fleshed out the truth of this Gospel in our lives for years to come. But eventually our faith was tested as we struggled with medical bills and the consequences of financial decisions made out of stress rather than out of wisdom and trust. I recall when we refinanced our home and the broker told us we were making a great decision to get some “breathing room”. Those words sounded so good to me that I barely heard the second part of his comments which were something about this loan being the best economic decision unless “you lost your job, the housing market and economy collapses all at the same time”. Yeah, right, like that could happen.

Well it did, in November of 2008. With my daughter, Johanna, on IV therapy for a serious infection and heading for her 70th surgery, my husband’s position was eliminated. He was unemployed, with a Master’s degree from Fordham and 22 years as a Church administrator.

The next two and a half years were a blur. I felt so fearful. We went bankrupt, into foreclosure and our lives went into a tail spin. Steve and I tried to cling to promises of God’s provision in the midst foreclosure hearings, loan modification requests and the search for gainful employment.

Thankfully, we had started our own business six months before the collapse and through hard work and perseverance, we were able to secure a future for our family and additional income for Steve as an administrator within our parent company. We went from selling Jesus to selling nutritional products. The Lord expanded our vision of ministry and holiness to include wholeness in health. We learned to charge money for our music ministry and my motivational talks in churches across Long Island.

We worked very hard to secure our future and convince the bank we were worthy of a loan modification, but they weren’t swayed. When the letter of denial came the day after Thanksgiving in 2010, I was paralyzed by fear. Johanna had developed a brain tumor and I found myself scheduling brain surgery around the impending foreclosure of our home. Still, verses from the Sermon on the Mount echoed in my brain, until finally I clung to Mark 5:36, “Fear is useless. What is needed is trust.”

I witnessed the futility of my fear and decided to write my way back into our home. Despite the bank’s refusal, we re-sent our paperwork and I wrote an article, made phone calls to politicians, sent our story to every news site I could and somehow our story landed on the desk of a Wells Fargo Executive. Finally, at 4 p.m. on Christmas Eve, I received a personal call from the bank on my cell phone. They were wishing us a “Merry Christmas” and giving us the approval for the modification!

It has been 18 months since we got our home out of foreclosure and I have indeed learned some lessons about fear and trust. I learned that fear is truly useless. It cripples us and depletes our strength, so we can’t find our way. I learned that fear disables and trust enables us to see the way out. Trust lives and works in the present moment, knowing God is always at our side, helping us to create a future full of hope.

Eileen Benthal has a B.A. in theology from Franciscan University of Steubenville. She is a writer, speaker and wellness coach at 40DaysToFocus.com and NOFO Wellness Center. She works with clients locally and around the U.S. who are excited about balancing their health in body, mind and spirit.

Eileen and her husband Steve live in Jamesport and have four young adult children. Their youngest, 16-year-old Johanna, is a teenager with special needs. Eileen can be reached at eileenbenthal@gmail.com and facebook.com/40DaysToFocus.

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