‘Why doesn’t she just leave?’

“Why doesn’t she just leave?”

It’s a question many people ask when they hear about domestic violence. From the outside, leaving seems like the obvious solution. But the truth is, leaving is far from easy. Fear, financial dependency, children, and even love play a role. Abusers often isolate their victims from their support systems, making it incredibly hard to just walk away. Imagine someone controlling your every move, threatening your safety if you try to leave. Now imagine not having the money to make it on your own or a safe place to go. On top of that, when a person leaves an abusive relationship, that is when the abuse often increases. These are some of the barriers a victim of abuse might face.

But it’s not just logistics. Abusers often break their victims down emotionally over time, convincing them they’re worthless and that no one else will help or care. That kind of emotional manipulation can be just as imprisoning as physical abuse.

With October being Domestic Violence Awareness Month, now is the time to ask not “Why doesn’t she just leave?” but “How can I help?” We need to foster environments where victims feel supported and heard, rather than judged. Check in on your friends and loved ones, learn about the signs of abuse, and let them know you care. 

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence, reach out to a local organization for support. Sometimes the biggest help we can offer is just listening and being there when someone is ready to take that difficult step.

We can all be part of the solution. The question isn’t why she doesn’t leave, but how we can make it safer and easier for her to do so.

Pamela Greinke is the executive director of Hope and Resilience Long Island, a nonprofit organization providing a variety of supportive services to victims of domestic abuse in eastern Long Island.

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